I'm in one of those moods of mine again, where I start thinking of all the 'why's in life. I think about everything, and then conclude that there's no way I'll ever be able to find out.
Why do we exist? Why is there the Earth, why is there a universe? Why do feelings exist, and why are they feelings? Why does everything happen? Why are there living beings, instead of one big blank, why does everything that exists, exist?
And then I move on to thinking, why is our society like this? Why was this system invented? Why is it compulsory for everyone to attend school, or you'll be deemed as 'trash' by society? Why do we need to go to school to learn things we most likely won't ever need in the future? I assume schools were created in the first place to educate people who WANT to learn, to pass on the knowledge to students who crave for it, but how did it become a compulsory? Was it because countries wanted to have 'smarter' citizens? Or do the government just want the citizens to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, where most people hire based on education?
Then why does this system of trade exist? Why was money invented? From way long ago, I assume there was no such thing as trade, there was just giving and receiving. I believe everything stemmed from selfishness, the wish to own, the greed to possess more. The giving and receiving then turned into trade, the kind of, 'you give me what I want, and in exchange, I'll give you what you want'. From there, it morphed into selling and buying when some smartass decides to create this thing called 'money', something that everyone can own instead of trading things in your possession for other things. Then from there, from selfishness and greed, everything grew into what we have today. For everything, you need money. You need money for food, you need money to stay somewhere, you need money to get something, you need money to go somewhere, you need money to watch something, you need money for everything. Because money exists, and everything requires money, everything becomes a cycle, where the poor work to survive past each day and the rich work to get more. A customer buys from a shopkeeper, the shopkeeper then becomes a customer, and everything goes round, because we all need money to live. Why? Because that's what we've become.
And then there're those rare few, that earn to give, to help those that don't have the capability to learn. This act is then called charity, a form of goodwill. There are those doing charity from their heart, and there are those that do it from their minds, for the fame. 'Money makes the world go round', it'll be foolish to disagree with this statement. Even if you don't have that greed for money, even if you think many people don't, it's a fact that if you don't have money, you would have to struggle to survive past each day. Why is money so important? Why have we made money to be this important?
These are all 'why's that I don't think I'll even find out, and so I question instead, myself. I often ask myself in my mind, 'What am I living for?' I honestly don't know. I'm not suicidal, I'm not in a hurry to die, but I'm not that scared of death either. After death, it's just blankness, isn't it? Either that, or the fabled supernatural things happen. I ask myself what I want, and I can provide no answer. I ask myself what I have a passion to do, nothing comes to mind. When I was young, I wanted to become famous, even now, I still do. But in Singapore, that's highly unlikely. I'd rather give up hope, because I know that it's never going to happen. Sometimes I wish I were a boy, somehow I feel it's more fun. Sometimes I wish that I was born in another country, houses are cheaper in some areas, but then again, I quite like Singapore. If I imagine myself in the future, all I imagine is a working lady, with a repetitive daily life. I would wake up, go to work, get off work, go home, sleep. Some other days I would hang out with friends, or do some other stuff.
I then realize what I want is those small things. I want to be well-liked in the future, not necessarily the kind that people go, 'oh! That girl is the one boys chase after, she's pretty!' not even, 'oh, that girl is the one that everyone likes, that popular girl!'. I want to be well-liked in the sense that when people think of me, they think of, 'fun', 'cheerful', 'nice', 'good to hang out with'. Aside from that, I want to have the experience of living with someone, not a family member. I want a friend that I can fight with one moment and get back to being friends the next, the kind that will joke with me, may say bad things about me but never means it, the kind that would trust me and stand on my side. I want a friend like that, just one is enough. I want to experience that freedom, where I don't have to get permission just to go out of the house just to buy a drink, the kind of freedom where I can have slumber parties and late night movies with friends. I want to experience that warmth of having a sweet lover, someone that isn't a jerk, that actually cares for and loves me. Late night meetings, long phone calls, overseas trip with friends, and many more.
Then I realize that if I narrow it down, everything boils down to two words, 'freedom', and 'love'. I want to be pampered, because I've never been before. I want to have the freedom I haven't had before. I want to have the trust that I deserve, and yet don't receive. I want to be showered with love, at least once. I want someone, just one, that I know will stand by my side no matter what, that wouldn't talk behind my back because they genuinely like me for me, and would say whatever dissatisfaction they have right to my face, because they trust that I would take it well. I want someone, just one, that I could give back that trust, that I can believe in, that wouldn't lie to me unless for a good cause. I want someone that can make me trust them, because so far, there hasn't been anyone that has gotten close enough and hasn't yet betrayed my trust. And lastly, I want to fall into a mutual love, at least once. It's not that I don't believe in love, but I don't think I would ever fall in love. Crushes: yes, infatuation: yes, love: no. But I still hope. Because without faith, what else is there?
I hope I'm not being too much by hoping for these, but really, these are all that I want.
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